His Butler, Mistaken
by monkeybait
Summary: Ciel caves, and Sebastian finally gets the cat he's always wanted. But after a while, who ends up liking it... and who ends up hating it?


Sebastian knew that he had won this time. At least, he was surer than he usually was. Ciel had denied him his possession for a cat time and time again, but he had faith that his argument would finally win him the feline. After all, this cat was injured due to a carriage accident. Its face seemed to be flattened severely by the wheels, though it was still alive. Would Ciel be so cruel as to leave the poor creature out die?

Well… maybe. This cat was exceptionally ugly after all. Its snout was longer and skinnier than it should be, possibly squashed by the carriage wheel, with small ears and a slinky body. Its fur was extremely coarse (but hypoallergenic! Bonus points!) and covered in large stripes that went down to its long, thick, paint brush-like tail. Its claws were also rather overgrown and it was squat. But Sebastian could be accepting. It was quite lethargic, or perhaps paralyzed, which made it easy to tote around, and meant it wouldn't bother the young master.

He approached Ciel's study, funky-smelling cat dangling off his left forearm, and knocked on the door twice. When there was no response, Sebastian assumed that meant he had the okay to enter, so he did, pushing with his shoulder. He cleared his throat slightly to announce himself as he approached the desk. "Young master, I have a request of utter importance…" and here Sebastian trailed off. Ciel was sitting at his desk as per usual, staring intently at himself in a handheld mirror, two pens hanging over his bottom lip like walrus tusks, another pair sticking out of his nostrils.

When Ciel realized his butler was staring at him, not without an expression of disturbed confusion, he ripped the writing utensils from his orifices at once. "Se-Sebastian! You saw nothing!"

"I should say not!" Sebastian shook his head and decided not to pursue the subject further; if anything, it was only proof that, in his heart of hearts, Ciel was thirteen and still easily amused by stupidity. "In any case, I must ask-"

"We've had this discussion before, Sebastian," Ciel growled, folding his arms under his chin. "No pets in the house. Especially not cats. Now go away, and leave that thing back in the alley where you found it. It's hideous anyway." He sniffed. "And foul. Holy God-!" Ciel made a face, then turned around and vomited expressively out the nearest window. Sebastian gave the ugly striped creature a side glance in his arms; he guessed he hadn't realized just how terrible this thing stunk. "It will receive a bath," Sebastian offered weakly. Ciel shook his head, hands covering his face. "Get rid of it. Is it even alive? Where did you pick that thing up? Don't tell me you were garbage diving-"

"I stopped doing that a long time ago!" Sebastian interjected defensively, and then straightened, returning to his regal self. "The poor creature was lying along the side of the road. It was hit by misfortune with a carriage somehow and it was still breathing when I came across it this morning. I wanted to nurse it back to health, at least. You and the cat can hit it off; after all, it too understands the pain of being brought to the brink of death."

Ciel grumbled and folded his arms. "Way to play the jerk card."

"Can I keep it then?" Sebastian asked, his eyes sparkling like sun-bleached vampire skin.

"Oh, very well! But it has to stay away from me. And it can't dirty up any of the rest of the house. That's an order." Ciel emphasized this by pointing at Sebastian harshly. Sebastian bowed and made his way down to the kitchen sink.

* * *

"Well," Finny said cheerily, after regurgitating the entirety of stomach upon smelling the creature, "he is a rather cute kitty, isn't he? Hi there, fella!"

The cat looked at the gardener with distant eyes through the suds he was currently being marinated in. "I've decided to call him Curtis," Sebastian announced, unable to hide how pleased he was to have a feline in the house.

"Why Curtis?" Bard asked, who was upset that his kitchen was rank with essence of half-dead cat.

"It's rather dignified," Sebastian responded, "more so than 'chef', hmm?"

"My name is Bard!" Bard cried, but no one was paying him any mind, so the poor guy left to go sulk to Pluto, whom wouldn't pay him any mind either and would probably chew on him.

Curtis had little reaction to the bath, but after being dried off and groomed with Bard's hairbrush, he shone splendidly. He trudged obediently after Sebastian as he did his duties, tongue lolling out of his mouth slightly, ears lying flat against his head and hissing whenever he felt threatened by the newness of mansion life.

"Worry not, Curtis," Sebastian comforted, "I'm sure you'll swiftly learn to love it here."

"He's only staying until he's better," Ciel reminded, leaning against the library wall as he watched the cat perch on his butler's shoulder obediently. "And he's looking pretty healthy already. Get ready to say goodbye, soon."

"Not yet, not yet," Sebastian said, stroking Curtis's long pom-pom tail. "He still wobbles when he walks. Let's give him a week at least. We'll feed him up on fish and eggs and make him nice and shiny, won't we? Yes we _will_! Yes we _will_!" Sebastian grabbed the sides of Curtis's face and tugged on his short whiskers in an expression of adoration. Ciel left then, a little sickened, wondering if all demons were this blatantly weird.

* * *

"Where is it?" Ciel shouted loud enough for the entire mansion to hear.

"Where is what, my lord?" Sebastian asked, entering the study. It had only been four days, but Ciel was already getting used to the striped cat that puttered after his butler everywhere. Curtis was even wearing his own bowtie now; a quaint little hat had been part of the ensemble before, but Curtis always managed to get it stuck over his face somehow and then he would make loud rasping noises that caused Ciel to threaten to kill him.

"My ring is missing!" Ciel ripped open desk drawers and tore apart the contents. "Where could it have gone! I never misplace things this important! Get everyone in the mansion on red alert. We have to find it!"

"Yes sir." Sebastian bowed and walked away swiftly. The mission was so important that he didn't notice Curtis leap off his shoulder and scamper down the hallway, on a mission of his own.

* * *

"I don't like this," Ciel sighed.

"Well, you kind of have to go to bed," Sebastian replied.

"I can't sleep knowing something that important to me is gone!" Ciel threw his pillow at the wall with great force. It missed by about four feet.

"…Did that make you feel better, young master?"

"Slightly. Fetch that," the boy added, and Sebastian retrieved the pillow. "I don't like this. I don't like this one bit. How will I be able to sleep?"

"I could read you a story," Sebastian suggested.

Ciel flumped over in his bed. "Shut up. I'll try to go to bed."

"Goodnight then." Then Sebastian realized it; he hadn't seen Curtis all afternoon. Where had the little cat gone? Had he run away? Perhaps life on the streets had called to him and he had gone back to it, ready to embrace his old ways. After all, Curtis would still attempt to jump in the trash. And he still seemed much more awake at night than he did during the day. Not to mention, he rarely purred and didn't seem to like being stroked. And his paws kind of had five long toes instead of four stubby ones.

And that's when a thought dawned on the butler.

* * *

Ciel tossed and turned, which didn't help him fall asleep; it only managed to cocoon him up in his blankets so that he resembled a burrito. He sighed heavily, shrugging them off and slouching up against his pillows. That ring was very important to him. It couldn't have left the mansion. It just couldn't have.

Ciel kicked his foot out in anger and something heavy rolled off the bed with a thump and a snarl.

"What was that?" But then Curtis jumped back up at the foot of the bed, looking none too happy. That's when Ciel noticed it: hanging off one fang was his ring! He clambered up to the animal and pulled it from his mouth. "You found it! I can't believe it! Where was it?" Curtis stared back. "Oh right, you can't talk… Well. I suppose I owe you an apology, even if you are an animal. I can't thank you enough for this. I hope you'll forgive my previous notions about you. I promise that my house is yours for the rest of your dumb little life. All right?"

Curtis seemed to accept this answer, as he licked the rich snob's outstretched hand, then bounded off the bed and out the bedroom door.

"I guess that ragamuffin cat became useful after all." Ciel smirked in spite of himself and was finally able to go to sleep.

* * *

The next morning was light and warm. Sebastian opened the windows of the young master's room, the sun shining in like a coin on the sidewalk. "Good morning, my lord. It's time to get up."

Ciel stretched and yawned. "I need tea."

"You always need tea," Sebastian grumbled.

This earned him a taken aback look. "Why, Sebastian! How dare you be so snarky with me!"

"I apologize for my rudeness, my lord," the butler apologized, "but I'm a little upset this morning. But you'll be happy to know that you don't have to deal with Curtis any longer."

Ciel swallowed in surprise. "And why is that?"

"He wasn't what I thought he was," Sebastian sighed. "Forgive me, my lord. I was so sure he was a cat simply disfigured by an accident, but he was actually a raccoon. I'm sorry that such vermin was scampering about your mansion."

"I don't mind. In fact, I demand you fetch him," Ciel said, wanting to see the one who had brought him his bling.

Sebastian sighed. "If you really insist, young master. I suppose it was my turn to throw up now anyway…" The butler opened his mouth, index finger trekking over his teeth towards his uvula.

The teenager sputtered tea. "Hold on a second! What are you doing?"

"Oh, I forgot to explain. Once I found out that Curtis was a raccoon, I ate him," Sebastian answered nonchalantly.

Ciel's eyes widened in shock. "You… ate him." It was a phrase, not a question.

"Yes. You wouldn't find this strange if you were a demon. What did you need him for?"

"Nothing… Never mind… My ring was under my pillow after all…" Ciel choked. He decided not to tell Sebastian of Curtis's final deed. _Demons sure are weird._ "Fetch me some pens. And a mirror." It would take a lot of immature humor to erase this from his memories.

"Of course." Sebastian left to get the desired utensils. _Human children sure are weird._

And thus life continued, with absolutely nothing changing in the Phantomhive household, especially the opinions of butler and master towards the other, and the incident was never revisited because they forgot about it, or just because it was so stupid, again.

**This plotline for this fic came from my sister, who thoroughly demanded that I write it. I guess she came up with it at two in the morning… It shows.**


End file.
